<bzzt, bzzt> “You again, Moire. What is it this time?”
“Better get over to my office, Walt. I’ve got some charts you’ll want to see, but you probably don’t want them spread all over.”
“Fifteen minutes. No, make that twenty. Bye.” <click>
Twenty minutes later on the dot, his cane taps my office doorpost. “Let’s see those charts.”
“Let me cast this video from Old Reliable to my wall screen. Watch it while I give you the background.”


“I’ll need background to even read this thing.”
“I figured. Here’s a sketch for vocabulary. The big oval is a comet orbit, though they’re usually a lot skinnier than that, roughly ten times longer than wide. ‘Perihelion’ is Greek for ‘close to the Sun’. The word for its opposite point is ‘aphelion’. Your maybe‑incoming chunk of neutronium would be a quarter the Sun’s mass but far too small to see. Even so, I thought its gravity field could be enough to generate a signal made of long‑period comets kicked inward from the Oort cloud.”

“Ah, that’s why your chart’s doing aphelions. A comet at aphelion far from the Sun would be out in the Oort cloud and vulnerable to being kicked. Side‑to‑side in the chart is east‑west; up top is the Pole Star then down to the southern sky. So what you’re showing me is where in the sky each long‑term comet would be when it’s farthest from the Sun. The markers are pretty much everywhere each decade. What’s with the orange fringes?”
“They’re bar charts to summarize relative comet count in each 10‑degree slice of latitude or longitude. The biggest bar in each longitude set represents 4 comets; the biggest latitude bars represent 6. If comets are coming in randomly around the Equator, the summaries along the bottom would be essentially flat, like it shows for the 50 years starting in 1950.”
“This is the kind of map that stretches Greenland relative to Africa, isn’t it?”
“Mm-hm. The latitude lines are drawn parallel to each other although they actually converge on an spherical surface.”
“So I can correct for that by mentally squeezing distances between latitudes … I’d expect relatively few markers close to the poles compared to what’s near the Equator. Right, that’s roughly the latitude summary pattern given the small sample sizes. But what’s going on after 2010?”

“You noticed that red-dot cluster centered above the Equator at about –75°. It’s in the constellation Capricorn. I asked Old Reliable to select the group between –100° and –50° and chart where and when each comet was at its most recent aphelion. Here’s the result. By the way, the slope estimate is at the 75% confidence level. You don’t often see data as tight as that.”
“Whoa! Around 1100 A.D. something from beyond 200 a.u. in the general direction of Capricorn started knocking long‑period comets down from the Oort cloud. Every century that thing’s gotten 17 a.u. closer which gives us … about 400 years before planetary chaos breaks out. What’s an ‘a.u.’?

“Astronomical unit, essentially the radius of Earth’s orbit — 140 million kilometers. But here’s a plot of the same variables including all the long‑period comets reported since 1950. The red dots aren’t special; they behave like the general population. Feeling better?”
“Absolutely not. This looks like the entire Oort cloud is collapsing on us!”
“Relax. You’re looking at an observational artifact — a subtle one, the kind that scientists hate but they get their jollies from uncovering one. Especially if it’s someone else’s.”
“How is this an artifact? The dates and distances are right there.”
“The dates hide something deeper. We can’t see these guys at aphelion — they’re dark and far away. Our telescopes can only pick them up when they’re within 5 a.u. of the Sun, 10 a.u. at the most. Five a.u. is less than 3% of a 200‑a.u. orbit. Within a few percent, observation dates are perihelion dates in disguise. The chart’s horizontal axis is really perihelion‑to‑aphelion cycle time. We’ve known since Kepler’s time that more energetic comets fly farther and take longer to return.”
“Hmph. So your red dots are probably just a random eddy in the Oort cloud. Bye.”
~ Rich Olcott

























































